Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Adventures in Wingnutia: Maine Kampf Edition


 One of the toughest undertakings a reasonable mind can attempt is a slog through Wingnutspeak.

Regular folks listen to words through the prism of regular meaning. What one reasonably cannot expect the rational mind to do, however, is distort commonly understood lexicon into the ever-shifting maladaptations presented by the New Conservative Collective. Wingnutspeak wouldn't be that demanding an undertaking if it had either a basis in reality or didn't shift from day to day.

Let's take a recent example: Maine Tea Party dimwit Paul LePage's most recent ramblings about "something something freedom something Gestapo something IRS something something Obamacare something." I only invoke LePage's name because he's in the news now, but that quote is as Tea Party formula as Giulliani's "noun-verb-9/11" construct. The problem for sane Americans becomes "Whatever in the hell is that ginormous lunatic bloviating about?"

It really just comes down to interpretation and in order to understand the words being vomited, one must toss aside all the usual reference books and turn to the Wingnut Translation Service for the day.

Let me try my hand at guiding you through the crazy.

There are very few of these available given the fluid nature of Wingnut word meanings, but here is today's laid out in as comprehensible a form as is possible.

Wingnut-to-English Translation of Excerpts from LePage's June 8 WingRant

"Now that Congress can use the taxation power of the federal government to compel behavior or lack thereof, what’s next? More taxes if we don’t drive Toyota Priuses or if we eat too much junk food or maybe even pea soup?"
Translation What the hell is Congress doing bothering with regulating things not vaginas? Get over worrying about health and the environment and get back to probing lady parts.

"This decision has made America less free. We the people have been told there is no choice. You must buy health insurance or pay the new Gestapo – the IRS."
Translation: Ferfucksake ... a Conservative helped legitimize the usurper-in-chief and Orly's gonna be pissed. My love for the IRS when it was investigating Planned Parenthood has been unrequited so don't call, don't Tweet and unfriend me on Facebook.

"Demanding freebies in life and living freely are two very different things. There
used to be a time when we were proud to get people off government programs.
Today, we are promoting entitlement programs that are breaking the bank."
 Translation: This socialist douchebag Obama is screwing with the welfare checks we Conservatives like to give to our corporate friends who bought and paid for our loyalty and is wasting money on poor people. Hell, folks, I've got promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep.


"America wasn’t born on these sorts of principles and it’s time we get back on track - not only for our future generations, but for the future of our Nation."
Translation: Listen up, elephant boys and girls, remember the good old days? Back when poor people knew where they belonged ... in food lines? Back before they wised up and formed unions and we had poll taxes and raped the land with impunity and had debtors' prisons? We were on track to get our country back and look what happened. This socialist, atheist, anti-colonialist, Muslim Nazi got away with this on OUR watch. Oh, yeah, the Nazi ... he made me say Gestapo.

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